OUR KIDS ARE WATCHING

I am going to tell you about two coaches. One who did things the wrong way, and another who took a very different approach. The contrast will highlight what is wrong with youth sports today.

The first is a coach who lost it on a player a few weeks ago ahead of the team’s first playoff game. He yelled at this boy multiple times, made him run sprints, and almost removed him from practice at one point. That boy was my six-year-old son and sadly, that coach was me.

Was he making mistakes? You bet.

Was he being a great listener? Of course not…he's six.

Did I realize I was probably taking it too far? Not until my older son told me I was.

Think about that for a minute. My eight-year-old son had to tell me I was being too hard on his younger brother; someone he never takes it easy on.

And here’s the thing. I’m really not a yeller. My father didn’t yell at me growing up. My grandfather apparently didn't yell at him either. Yet here I was yelling at my son over what really amounted to very little.

So, I asked myself a simple question —

Why was I doing this?

Then it dawned on me…it is because, like so many other parents and coaches in youth sports today, I had lost my mind.

The worst part?

Our kids are watching us.

Some Perspective

Growing up, youth sports were the best. Winning mattered, but paled in comparison to the friends you played with or the coaches you played for. Parents screamed at games, but not like they do today. Coaches were tough, but fair. They came down hard on you when you didn’t hustle or were screwing around, but not for making mistakes.

Unfortunately, this is no longer the case. Expensive travel leagues dominate the landscape, while many parents today more closely resemble the infamous Washington Bullets’ heckler Robin Ficker instead of the silent stoics I remember from my childhood.

Don’t believe me?

Just look at this notice that recently went out for a girl’s youth lacrosse tournament.

This is a problem because, as former Georgia Bulldog All-American David Pollack said in a recent podcast,

“Every decision we make shows our kids what’s important. When we say that something is the most important thing, but then do something different, we are telling them one thing and then showing them something completely different. More is ‘caught than taught’ in this world and our kids are watching what we are modeling. Whatever we model, they are going to adapt and adopt.”

In other words, many of us parents are hypocrites.

Why?

Because we are telling our kids that the most important thing about sports is being a good teammate, overcoming adversity, learning humility, playing multiple sports, and most importantly having fun, but then get way too involved with their teams, overschedule them, encourage them to specialize, move them around to different club programs, try to “game the system” in various ways, and place winning at the very top of their priority list, all while screaming at the top of our lungs at them and the referees.

If so, why are we surprised when we hear that many kids these days are lonely, depressed, anxious, less independent, and more risk averse than prior generations? Why are we shocked that so many college athletes are transferring after encountering even the smallest amount of adversity? Why are we disappointed when we find out kids aren’t as resilient as they once were? Why are we surprised when they end up burned out?

The answer is, we shouldn’t be.

Why?

Because we are the ones showing them the way.

It is akin to the 1980’s “I Learned it From Watching You!” commercial about kids learning to use drugs from their parents.

So, what should we do about it?

I clearly don’t have all the answers. Remember, I had to have an eight-year-old scold me for being too hard on his younger brother.

This said, here are a few things that seem to make a lot of sense.

Remember What It is All About

Last summer, my family made a trip to Williamsport, Pennsylvania for the Little League World Series. It had been on my dad’s bucket list for years, so it was a special weekend.

The minute you walk into the stadium it becomes clear that it is likely the purest thing in sports today. Kids from all over the world playing against, living with, and hanging out with each other for two weeks in the dog days of summer. A hot dog and a coke sell for a few dollars, there is no price for admission, and kids are sledding on cardboard boxes down the grass hill in center field.

Most importantly though, when you walk into the stadium, one of the first things you see is the Little League Pledge. It reads,

I Trust in God

I Love My Country, and Will Respect its Laws

I Will Play Fair, and Strive to Win

But Win or Lose, I Will Always Do My Best

This is what youth sports should be all about. Unfortunately today, it feels like we have never been further from this.

Why?

Because we have made it more about the parents and coaches than the kids. We need to get back to making it about the kids.

Give Them Space and Confidence

Growing up in the 1980’s and 90’s, parents barely slowed down when they dropped us off for practice. When they picked us up, they would often be late. Occasionally, a kid would have to walk down to the local 7-Eleven to make a collect call to see if their parents had forgotten them.

These days, things couldn’t be more different.

Don’t believe me? Ever witness the scene at a youth travel tryout?

It is akin to a bunch of groupies trying to get a glimpse of Taylor Swift at one of her concerts. In fact, last year I heard one parent declare at a 2nd grade lacrosse tryout,

“Man this is stressful…if he makes this team, it will be the first step to playing Division I lacrosse. If he doesn’t, I don’t know what we will do next.”

I just shook my head.

This is a problem for many reasons, but two stand out.

First, practice used to be an escape from your parents watching over you. A chance to be on your own. To look to a different adult for guidance. For me, coaches like Frank Hart, Buddy Burkhead, and Jack Crawford became people that I could look up to. They could be hard on us, but we loved it.

Why?

Because we knew it was warranted. We also knew they would be the first ones to put their arm around us and smile when we did things the right way. They were “break you down, but build you back up” type of coaches.

Now, with parents in the stands watching youth sports tryouts (and often practices…which, again, I have done myself), this is no longer the case. Worse yet, instead of the conversation on the way home from practice (or a game) being about what a kid wants for lunch or dinner, parents critique how their kids played. I know because I have done it. It’s insane. My dad never did this. I am frankly embarrassed for myself that I did.

Second, when we treat our kids’ sports as if we are the ones playing (aka living vicariously through them), our kids see this. When they see us treating a youth travel tryout as if it is the ultimate determiner of their entire athletic future, they see it. When they see teammates falling out of love with the sport, they see it. They also feel it.

The most important thing kids need is independence and confidence. They don’t need us smothering them. They don’t need us treating their success (or lack thereof) as something that defines them (or us). They certainly don’t need us critiquing their every move or play.

To this point, Ravi Gupta of Sequoia Capital asked an interesting question during a recent podcast,

“Does becoming parents make us worse people?”

This might be a step too far, but the fact that we are even asking the question makes it something worth thinking about.

Stop Placing Winning Above All Else

I like to win as much as anyone. I also recognize that the older kids get, the more winning matters. After all, high school and college coaches are largely paid to win. Unfortunately, this mentality has clearly leaked into youth sports and it’s ridiculous.

Even the greatest college football coach of all-time, Nick Saban, said as much on a recent podcast,

“Parents today are creating anxiety, which is not good for performance and takes the fun out of playing. You ought to be able to play sports because you enjoy playing. Sure you want to be good and win, but winning was not always the most important thing for me. As my dad always said, ‘It is not about beating the other guy, it is about knowing you did your best to be your best.’ I think that is the most critical thing you can learn from sports. To enourage your children to be the best they can be and be positive, instead of setting unrealistic expectations about what you want them to be.”

Unfortunately though, over the past year, I have witnessed or heard several things that run completely counter to this. I have seen kids repeatedly switch club teams, setting off a domino effect that subsequently affects a series of other kids and families who are completely unaware of why or where it all started. A season ago, my then ten-year old niece traveled more than an hour each way only to not step on the field for multiple games in a row. I have seen teams recruit “hired guns” for tournaments and play over kids who have been with the team all year. I have heard of 9- and 10-year-old teams doing “relegations” (i.e., moving kids up or down from the “A” and “B” teams) halfway through the year and AAU basketball teams that dissolve midseason. I recently read about youth soccer teams faking birth certificates to get older kids on teams, baseball teams falsifying pitch counts, and countless other shenanigans. At the high school level, I have heard of parents having their kids switch schools multiple times, stay back when they were already old to begin with, and even send them off to live in coaches’ basements while they play for these teams.

And we don’t think our kids see us doing this?

Let Kids Figure Things Out Themselves

When I was in college, after one of our games, a few teammates were complaining about a lack of playing time. Meanwhile, one of their fathers who had been an All-American lacrosse player at The University of Maryland in the 1970’s quietly listened in. After a few minutes though, he had enough and interjected, saying,

“I don’t know what to say boys. I played. If you want to play, stop complaining and just get better. It’s that simple.”

This dad is the best. Despite having two sons who were good players and who arguably did deserve more playing time, he never complained, called the coaches, or encouraged his sons to transfer to another school. He certainly didn’t agree with their gripes about playing time.

Unfortunately, these types of parents are a rare breed these days. Instead of letting our kids figure things out themselves, we tell them what we think is best for them, attempt to put them in the best situation or on the right team (regardless if it's actually the best or right for them), and pester their coaches.

Is it possible the better approach could be to sit back, listen, and observe?

Don’t get me wrong. I have been as guilty as anyone. While I refuse to call coaches to complain about things like playing time, I have spent way too much time thinking about and telling my kids what I think is best for them. Ironically, in doing so, I have often discovered that they feel nothing like I think they do. Sometimes playing time matters, while other times it doesn’t. Winning is the furthest thing from their minds in some sports, and the closest in others. Most importantly, some of the best moments I have had with my boys have been when they have figured things out and made difficult decisions on their own.

The fact is, one of the most important parts in life is figuring things out for yourself when you are young. It is what builds resilience, spurs creativity, and creates friendships. If so, by putting our fingerprints all over our kids’ lives, are we stripping these opportunities from them?

Don’t Forget that Loyalty is Ultimately What Binds Us

Two weeks ago, I attended a dinner in New York City that honored my former college lacrosse coach, Dom Starsia. I love attending these sorts of events because it is a reminder of why we play sports. Of course part of it is to show appreciation to coaches like Dom for giving us the opportunity to play at and attend a university like The University of Virginia, but more so because they create reasons to get together with former teammates, players, and other people associated with the program.

This year, given that this topic is obviously top of mind, something dawned on me as I looked at the picture of the guys on stage with Dom. There were former first team All-Americans, perennial backups, guys who suffered injuries along the way, a defenseman who played one season before going on to become an ACC and NFL great in football, a goalie who spent three years on the bench before starting as a senior and becoming an All-American, and yes, a backup midfielder who writes a blog…

So why does this matter?

It matters because no one cares anymore about playing time or who got the most accolades. Instead, the stories inevitably go back to things like the tough practices in the rain, the team dinners at the local Italian spot, and yes, the teams winning ACC and national championships. Most importantly, years removed from our playing days, people are more concerned with how each other’s families are doing, how their parents are, and how life is going more broadly.

The point is, I really wonder how a picture like this will look two decades from now given the advent of the transfer portal and the lack of loyalty present in all levels of sports.

Personally, when I got to UVA twenty-five years ago, I came in with high hopes and as a big recruit. Two years later, I hadn’t played much, had blown out my ankle, and was generally pretty bummed. As a result, I would be lying if I told you I wasn’t considering the option of transferring, but I didn’t in large part for two reasons – (a) it’s not what you did in those days and (b) I didn’t want to leave my friends/teammates.

I have thought about this decision a lot over the years and how my life would have been different if I had left. The answer is everything would be different. On the field, we won the National Championship the following season and I was later elected a co-captain my senior season. Off the field, I got my first job because of a phone call my coach made to a former player of his, which gave me the opportunity to work on a fixed income trading desk despite not having a clue what a bond was at the time. A few years later, I married my college girlfriend, had three teammates as groomsmen, and countless more in attendance at the wedding. Today, a collection of at least thirty guys across multiple classes and teams at UVA have gotten together for an annual golf trip for more than a decade now.

Today, I would love to think that I would have made the same decision to not transfer because it has made all the difference, yet I can’t say this for sure.

Why?

Because we have all been conditioned to put loyalty on the backburner. Employees bounce around endlessly between jobs and firms, divorce rates are up, and yes, the transfer portal has kids swapping schools so often that it is hard to know who plays for who anymore.

Is all of this due to a lack of loyalty in youth sports?

Clearly not, but it is certainly a contributor to an underlying void that pervades so many walks of life now. The fact is, we are conditioning our kids not to prioritize loyalty.

Things not working out as you had hoped? Just switch teams or programs.

Encountering some difficulty? Instead of grinding it out, go find another opportunity.

Things are going well, but you want great? The grass must be greener somewhere else…

My only point is this. Loyalty is something that only strengthens over time. You realize this in both work and life. Personally, the happiest people I see are those with loyal friends, family, and colleagues. If so, why are we doing everything we can to undermine this for our kids?

The Second Coach

Now, remember at the beginning when I told you I was going to tell you about two coaches?

Well, here is the part about the second one.

The day after I chewed out my son for who knows what, I asked a friend whose 9-year-old son had decided to play in the local recreation lacrosse league instead of on a travel team how the season was going.

My friend responded,

“Honestly Ted, it’s been life changing.”

To which I replied,

“Really? Your son must really be enjoying it.”

To which he said,

“He is, but I was actually talking about myself. It has been life changing for me to see how this coach has lifted these kids up, instilled discipline without forcing it down their throats, and has made them all fall in love with the game. My son now wants to do nothing but throw the lacrosse ball with me when he gets home from school and it is all because of this coach.”

I subsequently learned that this coach's four key principles for the season were: having fun, creating an environment where kids could learn and grow, improving throughout the season, and everyone plays. Lastly, he highlighted that,

“While winning can be a byproduct of effort and growth, our primary focus will always be on learning and getting better every day.”

As I slumped back into my seat feeling disappointed in myself as both a father and a coach, I realized something. This was actually an opportunity. An opportunity for me to be more like this coach.

And it is hard to argue that this coach isn’t worth emulating.

Afterall, he is a father of four, a former three-time All-American at the Naval Academy, and is about to finish a two-decade career in the Navy Seals.

Our kids are watching us. Be like this coach. I am certainly going to try to.

“These kids are being put in a position where doing these things risks them having no real friends and not being even remotely challenged academically. They are becoming mercenaries. If you are looking for coaches these days to foster a ‘team’ environment, you will be disappointed except for a handful of programs.”

— A friend and former teammate with multiple kids in youth sports at all levels